Aheadguide

Plan Ahead


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Best Home Remedy Option

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. AND….. Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the duct tape.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. And finally… Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.


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The programmer and the princess frog

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, “I’m really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I’ll stay with you for a week”. The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says “OK, OK, if you kiss me, I’ll give you great sex for a week”. The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, “Turn me back into a princess and I’ll give you great sex for a whole year!”. The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, “What’s wrong with you? I’ve promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won’t even kiss a frog?”
“I’m a programmer,” he replies. “I don’t have time for sex…. But a talking frog is pretty neat.”


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Irreversible Curse

A Chap walks up to another chap in a pointed hat and says:
Chap – You’re Merlin aren’t you?
Merlin – Why yes ..it’s nice to be recognized!
Chap – Bit of a Wizard ..I hear?
Merlin – Well Yes .. I’ve been told I’m skilled.
Chap – Do tricks and things ..don’t ya.. Magical stuff?
Merlin – Magical … yes that’s correct.
Chap – Turn Kings into Frogs ..and that sort of thing ..Is that right?
Merlin – Well Yes ..I suppose I could turn a King into a Frog!
Chap – Ever Mucked up ..Ya know, made a mistake?
Merlin – Well Yes …hasn’t everyone?
Chap – Can you reverse a curse?
Merlin – Yes I can … with knowledge of who applied the Curse and the actual words of enchantment, I could do it ….Why ?
Chap – I’m Cursed
Merlin – Really … and how long have you been bewitched?
Chap – Years…..
Merlin – Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse?
Chap – Yeah .. can’t forget them!
Merlin – What were they?
Chap – something like … Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?


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Construction Worker

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m constipated.”
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, “Lean over the table.”
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK… and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, “Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation ?”
The doctor says, “Stop wiping with cement bags.”


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The potty

A Little Four Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet. His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What’s Up. The Little Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet Reading A Book. But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book Down, Grips Onto To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.

His Mother Says: “billy, Are You All Right?you’ve Been In Here For A While…
Billy Says: “i’m Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven’t Gone ‘doody’ Yet.”
Mother Says: “ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes.but, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?”
Billy Says: “works For Ketchup.”


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IS JONAH SWALLOWED BY A WHALE??

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though they were a very
large mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him.”


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God is Watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples.
It read, “Take only one, God is watching.”

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies,
“Take all you want, God is BUSY watching the apples.”


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Heaven Signs

Bob dies and goes to the pearly gates where he waits in line. As he draws closer he sees there are two lines; a short one and a long one. He walks to the front of the long line and sees a sign written above the head of the angel in charge:
THIS WAY TO HELL>> MEN WHO LET WOMEN WEAR THE PANTS
He decides that this line is just way to long and goes around to the other line where a sign reads;
THIS WAY TO HEAVEN>> GUYS WITH BALLS
There is only one person in this line and he is a small, frayed and withered old man. Bob just has to know and so he asks, “Why are you in this line? I mean are you the only one going to heaven?”
The little man turns to him and whispers gently, “Keep your voice down, Lillith told me to stand here!”


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The Ungrateful Wife & the Charitable Husband

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me I am a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a DIVORCE straight away!”

And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead,” sobbing, but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

And the husband began – “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use

just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

Please ….. do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?

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