Plan Ahead

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LIfestyle Check sa isang Kawani ng Gobyerno

Sa pagkapanalo ni Duterte bilang Ika-16 Presidente ng Pilipinas nag-utos sya na imbestigahan ang lahat ng kawani ng Gobyerno na namumuhay ng marangya. Kaya’t inimbitahan ng isang imbestigador sa opisina ng NBI si Pedro na karaniwang empleyado lang ng gobyerno pero buhay milyonaryo. Dumating si Pedro kasama ang kanyang abogado sa NBI.

Imbestigador: Pedro, pinatawag ka namin dito dahil naghihinala kaming isa kang Corrupt o maaring drug trafficker at lider ng isang sindikato dahil nakapagtatakang namumuhay kang milyonaryo gayong ikaw ay karaniwang empleyado lang ng gobyerno pero buhay milyonaryo. Gusto naming malaman kung paano ka kumikita ng milyong milyong pera.

Pedro: Sir, sa legal pong paraan kong kinikita ang aking mga pera. Sa pamamagitan po ng pustahan ako po ay kumikita ng daang daang libong piso. Kung gusto nyo po patutunayan ko sa inyo. Dodoblehen ko po ang sampung libo ninyo kung makakagat ko ang aking kanang mata.

Imbestigador: Imposibleng makagat mo ang yong mata. Sige, call ako dyan.

Dinukot ni Pedro ang kanyang pekeng mata sa kanan at kinagat. Nagulat naman ang imbestigador sa ginawa ni Pedro.

Pedro: Sir, dodoblehen ko po ang singkwenta mil ninyo kung pupusta kayong kaya kong kagatin ang aking kaliwang mata.

Imbestigador: Yan ang talagang imposible. Paano ka makakakita kung parehong peke ang dalawa mong mata. Call ako dyan!

Kinuha ni Pedro ang kanyang pustiso at kinagat ang kaliwang mata. Mangingiyak ngiyak ang imbestigador sa ginawa ni Pedro.

Pedro: Sir, dodoblehen ko po ang ang sandaang libo ninyo kung pupusta kayo na kaya kong umihi sa basurahan nyo na nasa kabilang dulo ng mesang ito mula rito sa kinatatayuan ko. Patutunayan ko sa inyo na di mababasa ng kahit isang patak ang mesa nyo.

Imbestigador: Pinatatawa mo ako, Pedro. Iyan ang talagang imposible. Sigurado akong di ka na mananalo sa pustang yan. Kaya, call ako!

Umihi si Pedro at dahil sa imposibleng abutin ng ihi niya ang basurahan sa kabilang dulo ng dalawang metrong mesa ay sinadya na lang nyang ihian ang mesa ng imbestigador. Napahalakhak ang imbestigador sa tuwa. Ngunit, tawa rin ng tawa si Pedro.

Imbestigador: Eh bakit tawa ka pa nang tawa, eh talo ka na nga ng sandaang libo?

Pedro: Sir, Natutuwa po ako dahil nanalo po ako ng limang daang libong piso sa pustahan namin ng abogadong kasama ko. Nagpustahan po kami na ako ang mananalo kung kayo ay matutuwa kapag inihian ko ang mesa ninyo.

Abogado: Waaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

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English Subject

Teacher: In my class, I don’t want anyone speaking Tagalog. Is that clear?
Students: Yes Ma’am.
Teacher: Ok, Introduce yourself and cite your name first.
Let start with the guy infront of the row, what is your name?
Student: My name is Earlyseven Strikeland
Teacher: Wow! Are you Fil-Am?
Student: No Ma’am, its the English Term
for my real name Agapito Hampaslupa Dimagiba.

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How do I know if I’m choking?

Do you procrastinate very often then read the story below?

I was sitting on the sofa in my apartment eating some food when I feel a piece go down my throat into the wrong pipe. I hack until I spit it onto the floor but it still feels like something’s in there. I go into the bathroom to hack some more, I’ ll try to reach the food by putting my finger in my throat, I still feel it. I’m standing there wondering “How do I know if I’m choking?” After a while, I realize I’m wondering that for so long, I should have answered my question already. Just then I heard a loud knock at my door. “Tao po, Hello, Anybody home?” The voice belongs to my Filipino neighbor. “Just a minute and sandali lang” I yell. I decided to push some things into my bathroom cabinet so it doesn’t look like a total mess. Suddenly I heard a loud noise his barging in. What is happening, they trespassing what are their business here? I run out of the bathroom. I was greeted by my neighbor with his wife and a policeman. What the hell? They seem to be staring at something with looks of shock and shame. “Now we know why he hasn’t been answering for days.” Disgusted! I turn around to see what they are staring at and see my dead body lying on the floor. It looks like it’s been there for days, skin bluish obvious sign of choking. I guess that answers my question. Now I’ve realized I’m already dead what would I do? Then I feel a slap in my face, It was just a dream. Panaginip lang pala salamat sa Diyos.

Words to live by:

Some people, upon hearing the gospel and knowing their spiritual need, delay in making a response. This is the most dangerous type of procrastination. Life is short, and we do not know what will happen tomorrow as written in  (James 4:13-14).  Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit” – 14 yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.

The Ultimate Fail Compilation

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Do not be embarrassed by your failures, learn from them and start again.-Richard Branson-

A failure is only a failure when you fail to learn. So it does not means that when you fail your a loser.
The compilation below were made to make the viewers laugh not to criticize their failure.

Sports Fail Compilation

Best Fails of the week October 2014

FailArmy’s best girl fails of 2012 put together in one fail compilation for your viewing pleasure

Quotes to live by:
It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might has well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.-J. K. Rowling-

Success is not built on success. It’s built on failure. It’s built on frustration. Sometimes its built on catastrophe.Sumner Redstone

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PC New Virus Strain

virus photo: virus virus-pc.jpg

New malware strains are created on an industrial scale at about 1,000,000 a week you don’t have to wonder that traditional antivirus can’t keep up anymore and that it’s time to “do a 180″ and use a whole new way to protect workstations or at least be aware of them.
An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!!
Monica Lewinsky virus……..Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Lorena Bobbit virus……….Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Ellen Degeneres virus……..Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.
Titanic virus…………….Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus……………..Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus………….Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus…….Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
Woody Allen virus………By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.
Joey Buttafuoco virus……..Only attacks minor files.
Spice Girl virus………….Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Ronald Reagan virus……….Saves your data, but forgets
Dr. Kevorkian virus…..Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Oprah Winfrey virus……..Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus……..Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn’t horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.
AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS- You’re in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.
STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before.
TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.

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A Woman demands!!

Eight Inches

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. Her note reads: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and  eight  inches in your pants.”

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her. His note reads: “Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over twenty five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut two inches off.


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Words Women Use

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.
This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.”
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”
THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.
This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”

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Abbot and Costello Conversation

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in “office for windows?”
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows!”
ABBOT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know–accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More than Money. Money can’t do everything.
COSTELLO: I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment. I’m worried that my computer might… what’s the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes,

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At The Crazy Farm

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient’s room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.
Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”
The doctor inquired, “And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?”
“Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.”
The doctor asks, “If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?”
“What? And work in the dark!?!”