Plan Ahead

Modern Medicine

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Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier …:
St. Mom’s Wort ~ Plant extract that treats Mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen ~ Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait til they moved out.
Flipitor ~ Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics ~ When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ~ Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person … can we get naked now?”
Buyagra ~ Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ~ Caution, when combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin ~ Relieves the headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ~ A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin ~ Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the “Not now, dear, I have a headache” syndrome.
Ragamet ~ When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay ~ A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.

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